One of the hardest realities to accept when you love someone with ADHD is that you cannot make them seek treatment. As my grandmother would say, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” This rings especially true for people with ADHD, who often carry underlying feelings of denial, fear, and shame that may be difficult to confront. Sometimes, they may be opposed to your advice or suggestions, a tendency often related to Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), a common ADHD comorbidity. Though more typical in children, ODD can lead to behaviors that are uncooperative, defiant, and even aggressive. And even without ODD, unsolicited advice or well-meaning solutions can drain their motivation and deter them from seeking help or treatment.
Because of these dynamics, it’s common for spouses to say they feel like they have a “third child” rather than a partner. Ironically, well-meaning actions can unintentionally encourage this dynamic. The approach you take in supporting your partner truly makes a difference. Here’s a bit of our story, along with strategies I found helpful when my husband struggled to seek treatment for his ADHD.
Our Story: The Early Years of Struggle and Missteps
Five years into our marriage, my husband began showing signs of withdrawal and depression, becoming less engaged with our family and responsibilities. I was overwhelmed, and frustrated, and placed the blame solely on him, criticizing his actions and belittling his role as a partner. From my perspective, he was the problem that needed fixing, yet he seemed to do nothing about it. What I didn’t realize was that my approach was reinforcing his fears, shame, and self-doubt—three key factors that can intensify ADHD symptoms and lead to cycles of overwhelm and paralysis (Hallowell & Ratey, 2021). My actions almost led us to divorce.
Everything changed when I started therapy while pregnant with our daughter. Through therapy, I came to understand that my behavior contributed as much to our relationship issues as his untreated ADHD. Growing up in a household with parents who experienced multiple failed marriages, I learned to value independence, control, and financial success over open communication and compromise—qualities not ideal for a healthy marriage.
Admitting my faults to my husband wasn’t easy, and our journey was further complicated by therapists who lacked ADHD expertise. At one point, a couples' counselor asked my husband, “She’s communicating the problems; what’s the disconnect?” This type of response only added to our frustrations and miscommunications. It would be years before my husband received a formal ADHD diagnosis, delaying his access to the right support.
What I Learned: Shifting My Approach and Empowering My Partner
Looking back, I realized that my actions and attitudes significantly affected my husband’s willingness to seek help. Here are five approaches that helped me shift my behavior—and ultimately encouraged my husband to start his ADHD management journey on his terms.
1. Regain Your Autonomy
Focus on setting an example by managing your own mental health and well-being first (Hallowell & Ratey, 2021). Resentment, anxiety, and depression often affect both partners, especially when one feels they’re “carrying the load.” Prioritize healthy habits like regular exercise, a balanced diet, quality sleep, and socializing with friends. Take up a new hobby or spend time in nature. This not only relieves personal stress but also makes it easier to communicate calmly with your ADHD partner instead of being chronically pissed off from doing the same shit every day.
2. Reassure Them of Your Intentions
A key step is to reassure your partner that your goal is not to change them but to create a partnership that works for both of you. Show what you're willing to work on yourself, so they know it’s a team effort rather than a one-sided attempt to “fix” them. Share the bigger picture—that you want to become better partners for each other, and that treatment could help achieve this.
3. Show Empathy, Not Control
Recognize that many people with ADHD endured years of criticism growing up and were often forced to conform to expectations they struggled to meet (Hallowell & Ratey, 2021). This history can make them wary of pressure or “fixes,” even when offered with love. Avoid pushing treatment or micromanaging their progress. If they pursue treatment, allow them the space to take ownership of the process. Listen if they want to share but avoid probing if they don’t.
4. Respect Their Possible Denial
Some partners with ADHD may not believe they have ADHD or might think they’re managing it well enough on their own. Rather than confronting this denial head-on, lead by example. Focus on your personal growth, relinquish some control, and allow them to take on more responsibilities. By letting go, you’re showing them that it’s okay to have room to grow at their own pace.
5. Remember, Good Things Take Time
Change doesn't happen overnight, let go of quick fixes. Concentrate on your own goals, routines, and hobbies. When your partner sees you investing in self-improvement, they may begin to reflect on their impact on the relationship. Let your actions speak louder than any words or advice. This will also help to reestablish trust.
Bonus Tip: Approach Each Other with Appreciation and Respect
On tough days, avoid the temptation to nag, criticize, or try to “fix” them. Instead, focus on mutual respect, even during difficult conversations. Fostering a foundation of appreciation helps you build resiliency as a couple during hard times and reduces the likelihood of resentment.
Moving Forward Together
Remember, people with ADHD are entirely capable of being wonderful, supportive partners. They need a safe space where they’re understood and appreciated. If you focus on what you need to do for your own well-being and give them more responsibility without feeding into their fears, shame, or self-doubt, you’re creating an environment where growth can flourish.
Ultimately, the goal is not to “fix” your partner’s ADHD but to strengthen your partnership.
Reference
Hallowell, E.M. & Ratey, J.J. (2021). ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction-From Childhood Through Adulthood. Random House Publishing Group
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. While we strive to provide accurate and up-to-date content, this blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider regarding any medical concerns or conditions you or your child may have. Never disregard or delay seeking professional medical advice based on something you have read in this blog. Reliance on any information provided here is solely of your own free will.
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